AMID SECRETS - CHAPTER 26
*Nwanyieze’s POV*
No, I think when he withdraws from me. No, why did you stop?
He is equally shaken, from the change in his breathing pattern.
“Why?” I demand, breathing hard. I can feel my resolve melting away with each passing second.
“Because we both want it. Because we both need it.”
I stare down at my bag on the floor. He bends to pick it up for me but doesn’t give it to me.
“Maduka-”
“I don’t know why you keep pushing me away, but the day I believe that you don’t want me is the day I’ll kiss you and you truthfully tell me you feel nothing.”
“Well, we both know I’ll always feel something, and so you keep reminding me,” I retort.
“Look, baby girl, Friday night was unexpected and I know someone in her right mind would hardly believe me-”
“So I should be crazy then?” I ask, trying to ignore the flip my gut made when he called me baby girl.
“For me? Yes.”
“And if I don’t?”
“I’ll make you believe me. I’ll find a way. Baby girl, I know my needs. I won’t stop pursuing you.”
“You’ll get tired eventually.”
“Nwanyieze,” he says, serious now. “Why are you doing this?”
Because I’m scared shitless. Because I’m not in your league, and because I need you so badly it baffles me. I have so much baggage, you’d need a container for it.
“Because I’m too crazy for your type,” I whisper.
He throws his head backwards and laughs. “And I thought it was the other way round,” he jokes.
He pulls me into his arms slowly, giving me a chance to resist but I literally walk in and bury my face in his chest. I’ve missed him so much, and the contact feels so good.
“I’m not playing, Nwanyieze. It’s you I need, and I’m not going to stop until you tell me off.”
“But I did.”
He chuckles, and I feel his chest vibrate underneath my cheek.
“Baby girl, you have to mean it.”
Of course, I don’t think I’ll ever do that.
I’m doomed.
____
*Maduka’s POV*
I want to keep holding her like this. It’s perfect, the way she fits right against me; soft against hard.
Nwanyieze sighs. “I don’t know what to do with you.”
“I’d very much prefer without me.”
I want to dominate her every thought, her dreams. How can all this happen in such a short while? How can I meet someone and want to mean everything to her so soon? How could fear grip me in such a visceral manner at the thought of losing her after the event with Tasha’s P@?tî??? I couldn’t even imagine what would have happened if she’d stuck to her guns about not wanting to see me anymore.
You see, in the short time I’ve known her since Saheed’s party, I’ve observed that Nwanyieze is wilful. Fiercely independent, and the type of person to avoid settling for less. But there’s this wall she tries to build up between us, and sometimes when she’s not trying I perceive some sort of fear. I desperately want to know what the problem is; I desperately want to solve it.
“They’re here,” I say when I spot Mama Uju climbing up the stairs with a sleeping Adanna in her arms. Nwanyieze wriggles out of my arms and turns to face them.
“O di kwa mma?” Mama Uju asked Nwanyieze, her brows drawn together. (Is all well?)
Nwanyieze nods in reply. “I left my keys inside,” she replied in Igbo.
I greeted Mama Uju, and she replied.
At the sound of my voice, Adanna opens her eyes and looks at us both sleepily. The brown eyes settle on me and all traces of sleep are gone.
“Uncle, hi,” she greets, spreading her chubby arms out and leaning towards me. I take her from her mother’s arms.
“Hi, small madam,” I reply. She smells of buttery popcorn and sea salt. “What did you do today?”
“Mummy and me, we went to the beach. The water was blue,” she replied while impatiently pushing away a lock of dark curls from her forehead.
Adanna is so adorable that the frustration of my day melts away immediately. After we get into their flat, she goes on talking about how the suya man gave her an extra slice of suya because she sang the national anthem for him, how she wasn’t scared of the horse like the other children because she is a big girl like Sister Nwa, how Mummy wouldn’t let her swim too far like the big kids because Mummy was scared but she wasn’t…
A thought strikes me. When Nwanyieze and I have a baby, what would he or she look like? I definitely want a little girl with her eyes; a little version of the woman I love.
I love.
The two words make me laugh out loud. Adanna tilts her head and asks, “Uncle, is it funny?”
“What, princess?”
“Is it funny that I fell and bruised my knee?”
Oh. My mind had drifted off during our conversation. I put on a solemn face and reply, “Of course it isn’t funny. But you’re a big girl and you didn’t cry like a baby, I know that.”
Adanna seems pleased and her pout disappears. “I only cried small. Just small.” She joins the tips of her thumbs and index fingers.
“That’s alright. You cried like a big girl.”
“Ada, time to take a bath,” Mama Uju calls from inside. She steps out few seconds later and asks if I’d like to have something to eat. I decline with a smile. Her countenance is a bit off now; maybe she’s upset.
“Uncle, will you be here when I finish?” Adanna questions.
“No, but I’ll visit you soon again, okay?”
“Is soon tomorrow?”
I laugh. “Soon is anytime. Maybe tomorrow or next week.”
That seems to satisfy her, and with a pat on my cheek, the little girl bounces away towards her mother. When they both leave, Nwanyieze emerges. She stands close to the entrance, as if she’d ready to run back in if I make any move. I sit back where I am on the couch, and we watch each other in silence.
“What are you really after, Maduka?”
“What are you really scared of, Nwanyieze?”
She doesn’t reply, and I don’t pester her for an answer. Another thing I’ve learned from her is not to push her for answers to a question. Nwanyieze answers at her own time. She pushes herself off the wall and moves towards me.
“What makes you so patient with me?”
Now, if I opened my mouth and said I love her, I can bet all my money that she’s going to run back through the door into the safety of her room. I also understand that she isn’t playing with me; but I can’t tell what she wants exactly. It’s indeed frustrating but I’m not backing down.
“I’m a patient man naturally,” is my reply.
Yes, I’m so patient I’m already trying to imagine what our daughter would look like.
Now, that would really send her moving to the farthest state from Lagos.
“Maduka, I don’t know…”
“Is it still about Tasha’s underwear?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know how this is supposed to go. Me. You. I haven’t been in this sort of thing before.”
I pull her out from the flat onto the balcony. The sun is setting, but there is enough light for me to see her face. It is free from make up, and the orange light gives her skin a golden glow. The lips I kissed a while ago are a bit swollen, tinged with pink. I run a gentle finger over them and ask, “Did I hurt you? I must’ve been too eager to kiss you.”
She shakes her head with a smile. “I was eager, too.”
“We’ll go however you want. Wh@??ver you want, so long as I’m not harming you in anyway.”
“But I don’t know what I want,” she whispers.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
I chuckle. “There you go.”
She playfully punches my arm and I feign pain.
“But, if you want me to go away, you have to mean it. Because I’m in too deep to leave myself. I don’t think I can.”
She sighs, and I can hear the uncertainty in that sound.
Oh, you’re going to have to trust me. I’ll see to that.
“I understand that trust does not come easily.” I remember the look on her face that night after the discovery of Tasha’s underwear. I never want her to look at me that way again.
“What about Tasha?”
“I spoke to her this morning. I told her about you. She’s bound to see us together in town soon.”
“Okay…”
“Hey.” I place my hands on both sides of her face. “It’s just you. Its just Nwanyieze.”
I know she’s weighing my words, wondering if she’s ready to go on this journey with me, wondering if the potholes and speed bumps will be dangerous, wondering if something will pop up along the way and ruin everything. I know she’s trying hard not to show her fear.
What is she scared of? I wonder for the millionth time.
“Wh@??ver you want to do,” I say one last time before planting a kiss on her forehead and backing away towards the stairs.
My chest is rather heavy as I drive home.
What if she decides I’m not worth it, afterall?
What would I do, though? And how will I be able to tell her that we knew each other once upon a time?
And most of all… How will I tell her about us without telling her about myself?
_____
*Nwanyieze’s POV*
I’m stuck between the cliff and the sea, and Maduka is both.
I don’t want him to go, but I know that having him has a high chance of leading to disaster. The way he just led me into this, the way I willingly followed even when he gave me a choice…
He whirls me through a series of activities: trips to the beach, lunch dates, evening strolls and warm cuddles in his home while watching movies. He is patient; so patient it amuses me. Gifts show up at my doorstep almost every week, from dresses or shoes with my accurate size (I never told him), to books, to flowers (Mama Uju always anticipates them because they smell so nice) to cards with quirky, handwritten poems and jokes. I enjoy every moment, but at the back of my mind it feels like a time bomb is ticking away the seconds till the apocalypse.
My prostitution job is temporarily forgotten; I haven’t seen Opebi since that night I locked a potential customer up in his hotel room and ran off. Mama Uju is happy for me, being a former prostitute herself.
.