~ Mary’s POV ~
Trailing a finger on the soft sheets, an inaudible sigh escaped me. Reminiscing, memories of my naked flesh pressed against one another —laughing, sharing kisses, and making love day and night.
Love.
A warm feeling settled in my chest at the word. My heart raced as the image of Abbey appeared in my mind. Shaking away the thought with a frown, I pondered on our relationship. He was perfect, so perfect. What we have is something unexplainable. Something that should be unattainable to me.
Looking down at my bare wedding finger, I sighed once more. It’s been close to three months. Since I have last seen my husband. Many things have happened since our time apart, many actions, words, and thoughts. Although I made a vow to the man I’m tied to I’ve been acting like a single woman.
Enjoying the company of another man, giving my body away to him, falling for him. Yet as I continue to act like a single woman, the guilt I once had is drifting away. Only some of it stays in the recess of my mind, causing me to bear the weight of my affair.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m making the wrong choice. Separating myself from a marriage that isn’t what it used to be. Even if it never was what it should have been; a lovely union between two people in love.
Though Abbey’s treatment to me makes me wonder if I’m right. His kindness, his arms of safety, the way he make my heart skip a beat. Would it be so wrong to fall in love with him?
Throughout my time here, I’ve realized that perhaps my marriage didn’t start rightly, I loved John when we met and when we married, but I wonder. Did he love me the way I loved him when we consummate our vows?
Was our marriage doomed from the start? God, why was I thinking about him now?
Is it because of my powerful feelings for Abbey that I’m terrified of acknowledging? Or perhaps it’s because I’m taking a major step today. I was moving in with Comfort.
My first step toward achieving independence. Feelings of excitement stirred within me, along with sadness and an empty feeling I couldn’t shake.
I was anxious about my future, but happy I’d be trying to live my own. Something I have only done once and failed.
No need to think back on that, since it would be different this time. Sure, I didn’t have a car or any of the old things I had, but I’m an adult now with a career friends, and myself to count on. I could do this. At least, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself.
I didn’t need John. I can do this on my own, hopefully.
Besides that, I was sad to be leaving Abbey’s place. Honestly, I’d miss waking up and sleeping in his arms. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered I loved being held. The way his arms wrapped around my body was the best. He made me feel wanted and most importantly, safe. I’m not sure how he managed that throughout the three months, I have stayed here, but he did.
The sound of a knock at the door had me archway, stood Shola with his arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe. His eyes sparkled as he eyed me. A small smile perched on his full lips.
“Hey, Abbey’s is almost done loading the last bag.” He said.
“Ok. Thank you for…,”
“No thanks needed,” he spoke before coming closer.
His smile turned into a frown. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” I looked at him quizzically, wondering what he had to say. He sounded pretty serious.
“Sure, is something wrong?” I asked, and he shook his head.
“Not exactly. Are you leaving because of my actions?”
“Of course not,” I said.
Surprised, he thought he was the cause of my departure. Sure, he wanted me to leave at first, but we patched things up.
At least that’s what I thought. This time, I took the initiative and approached him.
“I meant it when I said we would start over. I hold nothing against you, Shola.”
He eyed me quizzically.
“Then why?” he trailed off.
“As much as I’d like to say, I can’t.” pausing, I averted my gaze for a moment before returning it to him. His eyes met mine intensely as he awaited my words.
“I have to learn to not be dependent on anyone. This is my way of doing so.”
A moment passed as he pondered on my words. When he finally spoke, he shared his hands in his trousers pocket. His lips tilted upwards into a small yet charming smile.
“I see. Well, now that some of my guilt is gone,” he said jokingly. “I’ll be seeing you around, Mary.”
I let out a small laugh before nodding at him. “I’ll be seeing you, Shola.” At my words, he gave me a wink before leaving the room.
Taking a moment to collect myself after our conversation, my eyes trailed toward the end. There sat my wedding ring. Crazy how I once thought I’d never take it off yet here I am.
Deciding it would do no good to keep Abbey waiting, I walked forward. Reaching my hand down to the small ring. Holding it up for a brief second as I stared hard at it. The weight of it felt heavy and dreadful. So many emotions were tied to this item I once prized.
Now, as I stare at it, recent events that have occurred make me want to toss it away. What was once a prize, I held dear was now tarnished?
John told me I was undeserving of love.
Turning my gaze toward the door, I thought of the man who’s given me so much in a little time. Would it be so unrealistic to hope?
That maybe, just maybe, I could have what I didn’t deserve? To truly love another man who wasn’t John?
Comfort seemed to think it was okay and even mentioned a word I’ve tried not to think of.
Divorce.
Would I really be able to put myself through such a thing? Should I? My husband has done many things to me, but I can’t help but fault myself. Then again, John seemed to think I shouldn’t have love. I didn’t deserve it. What husband says that to a wife they supposedly love?
But Abbey, my Abbey, has told me the opposite. Has held me in his arms as I cried within him. Before I could think more, my name was called out by none other than the man himself from downstairs.
Glancing at the ring again, I chose to stuff it into my pocket. This was the wrong time to think about something like this. Quickly, I gathered my phone and went toward the door.
As I walked out of the bedroom, only one thought remained. John didn’t love me, but maybe someone else could.
***
The sun was positively shining, blocking my vision as I rode in the passenger seat of Abbey’s car. The car ride was pleasant, with the radio on a low volume, and an occasional hum coming from Abbey. As we drove toward my new home, I felt nervous for myself. Could I really do this? Be alone? Looking out the window, watching the scenery, my fingers fiddled around in my lap.
They stopped when I felt the warm press of a much larger being placed over mine.
Moving my focus to my left, I faced Abbey to see him glance at me. His face expressed concern over me.
“Are you okay, darling?”
“I don’t know. It’s stupid, but I’m very nervous,” I admitted. I’ve never lived by myself before. I mean, Comfort isn’t leaving yet, but she will in another week or so.”
He frowned slightly, keeping his eyes on the road. “It’s not stupid to be nervous, pretty.”
“I know,” I sighed. I’m a therapist, for Christ’s sake, I mentally chided myself. “But what if this is a mistake? What if I mess up or something bad happens, like when I was in college?” I was grasping at straws, nearing panic as anxiety welled up in my chest.
My mind conjured an endless amount of horrible outcomes to doing this by myself. My heart began to beat faster as I felt as if I were dooming myself.
Fear slowly seeped into me as we got closer to our destination.
God, I was doing well earlier, convincing myself that I could do this. But as we approach the destination, I was beginning to feel like I can’t.
“Mary,” Abbey’s voice brought me out of my thoughts.
Blinking slowly as he faced me, realizing we had stopped at a red light.
“You seem to be worried. It’s okay to be afraid, Mary. Everyone fears something. I don’t look at you differently for freaking out about something you did not have a pleasant experience with.” He paused, letting his words seep in.
“But what if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail?”
“You learn from it and try again,” he said with confidence.
“Besides, you won’t be completely alone. You’ll have your best friend, Shola, and myself to help you. Alright?”
“Alright,” I repeated, lifting my head. A small smile appeared on my face as I looked at him.
“Look at you being all insightful.” I teased him, attempting to lighten the mood.
He chuckled, $h00ting me a wide smile. “Well, I am a thirty-two-year-old man. I know a few wise quotes here and there.” We laughed for a while and then settled.
His throat cleared a short time after.
“So uh-what’s your friend like?”
“Why? Are you trying to impress her?” I joked, giggling.
When I didn’t hear a response back, my eyes widened slightly. “Abbey…”
“She means a lot to you and I..” he paused, drumming his thumb on the steering wheel awkwardly. “I want to make a good impression. I uh- picked up some wine and a small gift the day before and I hope she enjoys it.”
“Comfort already likes you,” I told him softly.
When we stopped at another light, I brought my hand up to his cheek. Turning his face towards me, I leaned in and our lips met gingerly. Feeling sparks burst as we kissed at the light for a moment.
“What was that for?” he asked once we parted. Continuing onward to Comfort’s place.
“For being you,” I replied before sitting back in my seat. “Do you think I’m making the right choice? That I can do this on my own?” I asked, turning the conversation serious once again.
“Yes,” he didn’t hesitate to answer. “I full-heartedly believe in you, and I’m proud that you are going this for yourself. As much as I wish to keep you home with men, this is something you have to do,” his words warmed my heart as he spoke with such confidence.
We finally drove into Comfort’s apartment.
“Thank you, Abbey.”
“Anytime, pretty Mary. Anytime.
To be continued…
Frank The Writer